Sex With Neighbor

If you grew up with religion shoved down your throat harder than any priest who…. (I’ll let you finish that joke in your head) then you know about the movie, The Ten Commandments. If you haven’t suffered through this demonstration of organized religion, this movie is about a dude who received commandments inscribed onto two tablets – one of them being about not sleeping with your neighbor’s spouse. The group he was leading to the promised land disobeyed the higher powers beliefs, and they all burned in hell. The end.

While this was a movie based on religious transcriptions from a time well before all of us, and while it’s never best to sleep with someone else’s wife/husband – you should just avoid sleeping with your neighbor all together.

In terms of your work environment, most would agree that it is not best to SHIT WHERE YOU EAT. Well, the same rule applies to your personal space as well. Sleeping with someone who is in such close confines of your energy, is like shitting on your own front lawn and not cleaning it up.

However, if you choose not to heed the warnings, here’s what you should know before you back that fruit basket and ring the doorbell.

1) Is he/she married? – It’s too easy for people to hide a significant other and kids in their closets these days. Does he/she only come by at odd hours? Does he/she wear a wedding ring? Is there a second minivan in the driveway with the stick figure family sticker on the back windshield? Does he/she go on dates – and you’re not invited? These all may be telling signs that you are just an equation to a midlife crisis.

2) When they park on the street, do they think they own it? – Everyone has that one neighbor. The one douchebag who assumes they can block off “their” parking spot as fast as your sexual advances have been deflected. A selfish driver on the road is a selfish navigator in the bedroom. Just as often as you have to walk blocks to your home because an overcompensated car needs excessive protection, is as frequent as you’ll have to masturbate when your table for one lover rolls over and passes out.

3) You know too much, now someone has to die. – Well, they would if this was a mob movie. But, in all seriousness, we are primitive creatures who desire the need for a combination of attention and solitude. If there is no level of separation during the beginning stages of something new, the experience is more likely to flatline before it even takes off. The yearn to explore the possibilities of what could be – are flaccid and as dry and a nun’s panties.

Knock. Knock. Who’s There. Fuck. It’s regret.