The Beginners Guide to Spitting/Swallowing

As she writes this, her hair is tied up in a messy bun. Looking on past her reflection in the mirror, she bows down to meet her release – the porcelain throne greets its next meal with a mix of anticipation and reluctance, as it’s unaware of what flavor to expect. (And no, she did not just finish brushing her teeth.)

His pleasure falls out of her mouth faster than when that cup of coffee informed her the milk had expired. Somedays, the flavor of his sex resembles the scent accidentally sucked through your nostrils as your basic ass picks pumpkins every fall, and sometimes, it’s an exact replica of those dozen donuts you inhaled while you were stoned last week.

The Beginners Guide to Spitting/Swallowing.

For her, spitting is personal business. Casual encounters either receive or innate “THE BOOT” – so why shouldn’t his cum get the same “VIP” treatment?

Spitting is also an option when his dick tastes like that curdled milk in your coffee. This should be grounds for a break-up, but if you’re anything like my past, twenty-something-year-old self, your issues and insecurities will have you hanging onto his outdated meat well past its best when sold by date.

If you venture into swallowing, you followed the rules and congratulations; YOU SHOULD HAVE A BOYFRIEND. If not, you fucked up.  Turn your ass around, drop off the two hundred dollars, and put yourself in jail before every jaded ex-Cosmopolitan subscribed reader tracks you down, and beats your ass. (Guilty as charged here, but some rules are meant to be followed, and some are just trashier than the redundant articles they print.)

Regardless of which side of the party line you are on, every man has the fantasy of getting his dick sucked so hard that the other cows come home to sample whatever is left. If nothing but air exits his penis when you’re done, enter a Nathan’s Hotdog Eating Contest, camp.

Last but not least. If you are a couple, who is on birth control/aware and able to take care of a potential offspring, Pull and Pray. It is his job to pull with the greatest of accuracy, and then to aim. It is your job to pray; it doesn’t end up in your eyes.

If you’ve made it this far, and he has never frosted one of your eyeballs or hair; I revoke your congratulations – you’re doing it all wrong. (Unfortunate sex is funny sex which is the best sex.)