The Girl Next Door

She steps outside her front door. Hair visibly blowing in the wind as if a high production machine was responsible. No bra in sight as bare nipples speak through her sheer tank top. You stand there covering your erection with your rolled up newspaper – but before you unveil your package, there are some things you should know about the girl next door.

She’s a VERY Freaky Girl – The Girl Next Door may wear her hair in pigtails, but she will use those same rubber bands to dominate you. Her innocence is part of the seduction technique  – the cute giggle, butterfly lashes and that wiggle in her hips as she walks are illusions to get you to wiggle out of your pants.

She’ll Hit You Up for The Breakfast Buffet and The Late Night Drive-Through – The only thing better than great sex, is hot sex that is convenient. All either one of you has to do is simply place an order for your next “meal,” and your fish tacos will show up faster than a coke head who works three jobs so he can support their habit. (Just make sure he doesn’t do any before you have sex – coke dick is a real thing.)

Sleepwalk Back to Your House – As fast as she arrives, is as soon as she can leave. No more awkward sleepovers. No more calling cabs after you spent your hard earned money on dinner and drinks. In fact, no more expensive dates, because when you are having sex with The Girl Next Door, her door is literally walking distance from yours. (At least walk her home though, there are a lot of creeps out there.)

You can date her, TOO! – Little Ms. Pigtails could totally be a self-sufficient goddess who is totally what your soul needs at that given time, and you just might want to date her. THAT’S GREAT! In a world full of superficial hookups that never lead to anywhere; you may have a strong desire to open up the door, encourage her to take off her shoes, and invite her into your home. Logical, because she is incredible. Economic, because it saves you gas money. But, a possible disaster if you break up.

If You Break Up – Burn your house down and claim arson. It’s time to fucking move.

The Girl Next Door has a climatic representation due to cinematic connotation, and sometimes it’s not realistic. No rom-com director anticipates a blockbuster by upholding their material to life outside of a fabricated storyline. While this rollercoaster can be great oiled up, sex with The Girl Next Door can be just as bumpy as The Cyclone.